Confessions Of A Dropout/Struggling Entrepreneur and Writer
It’s 11:49 am WAT on the 23rd of march 2018.
That’s today. Right now as I type this.
As I write I’m shaking, my torso quakes so much it’s impossible to sit still.
I have malaria, a disease that can last up to a week when treated, its common in Africa.
My breath — when I remember to breathe — comes out in shaky puffs.
It feels like I have hypothermia even though it’s about 40 degrees Celsius in the small internet café I walked through pouring rain to get to.
Does it feel good? No it doesn’t.
My balls are a thousand degrees and I feel like I can fall over at any moment, and yes I’m getting very personal on this one.
So my advice for the faint of heart? Avert your eyes.
I’m sure there’s a funny cat video someone just posted on YouTube. This won’t cheer you up if you’re having a bad day, and it’ll get a little dark.
Sorry.
I’m shaking more violently, and I wonder if others around me can notice it.
I would laugh at how oblivious people can be with electronic devices in front of them. But laughing is impossible, the best I can do is grit my teeth, strengthen my jaw and type.
The shaking and discomfort I was experiencing now weren’t completely unexpected, it happened the day before and the day before that.
So why did I walk all the way out here rather than stay at home to rest?
Because I have a goal. A goal I’m willing to give everything for.
Even my life.
Really brings all or nothing to a new dimension, doesn’t it?
My friend thinks I’m depressed. But I’ve had dark depression. And I don’t mean the, “I need ice-cream or video games to cheer me up” bad.
I mean whispering to yourself how awesome it would be to die.
I mean walking through an empty street and wishing someone would put your miserable life to an end with a gun because you can’t kill yourself.
I did say it would get dark.
You can leave now if you want to. I’ll even point you to a cheerful blog post you can read >>> Cheerful blog post
If you’re still here then:
What I have now is not depression.
It’s determination, and maybe a huge helping of stupid. To need something so much that death loses its teeth.
I can do this because as I’ve hinted at before, for several brief moments over the last one year, I’ve wanted to die.
I’ve thought of death and a sense of relief would overcome me. Free from confusion. Free from expectations. From my dreams.
The malaria is making it harder to type, and when I shake, my lungs seize and I have to remind myself to breathe, yet I’m still here and I won’t leave.
If I was standing, I’d be rolling on the floor now, but it gets worse before it gets better.
This too shall pass.
Pain is temporary.
I can’t talk as I write this, and maybe it would’ve been a better idea to stay at home.
But I’d never get inspired to write this and staying at home would not have gotten me the life I wanted. But I’m not some masochist.
I really did think I had gotten better. I took drugs and this is my third day with malaria. Yet here it is, like a villain from a comic that just refuses to die.
One of life’s many obstacles. My back hurts for some reason, so does my waist, but I’m here now, no excuses, there’s work to do.
A bit about me
A year ago, I wouldn’t be here.
I would never have gone out in the rain. No way in hell, I’d even go outside the house with severe malaria.
I would also never have walked 15 minutes, almost every workday to come to a small internet café, because I didn’t have electricity for 8 months (not that much of a rare occurrence, but fate gave me that as a present).
I wouldn’t have spent all the money I had and could beg, to start an internet business, and I would never have continued after failing 4 times despite pulling all-nighters reading blogs that were supposed to teach me about selling on the internet.
But I’m here now and I’m no different from anyone. I’m just a guy with a dream he can die for.
When you start seeing things this way. When you’re able to commit your entire life to something; nothing is impossible and nothing is too risky.
I’m 19, and most people my age are enjoying the height of post-teen bliss.
They’re are in college free from parental supervision. They can finally stay out late, have sex (some anyway), party, and study with structure their schools provide.
Yet the consequences of failure are hardly ever life-threatening. And they have friends and teachers to turn to for advice and help.
I’ve seen the deep end though, outside the walled garden of academia, and this is Nigeria. To put it nicely, shit can get real.
There’s no safety net like unemployment checks, almost no one has health insurance, and a job is guaranteed (even with a college degree) about as far as your employers can throw you.
Like I said I’ve seen the deep end and in Nigeria, that’s people living on less than a dollar a day.
That’s watching your children and aging parents starve because you can’t provide.
That’s getting a job after college that pays about $200 per month if you’re lucky and not being able to even find one if you’re not.
Not having a college degree in Nigeria puts all the odds against you. Because almost every traditional company will ask for it.
Knowing this though I still dropped out and one of the reasons was because of the Dunning-Kruger effect.
I first heard about it from Elvis Chidera.
1. I’d never tried to make money online and I thought the process would just be a little hard. I didn’t know it would leave me crying at night.
2. I was in a crappy school (there are a lot of those here). And I was spending my parents hard-earned going learning things that weren’t useful and that I could easily learn online for free.
3. Another major factor for why I dropped out was because I felt like hitting my head on a wall whenever I thought of going to school in the morning. The thought of spending hours learning something I knew had no relevance in the real world pained me.
I was depressed, I was groaning in class, I couldn’t study and then I just couldn’t take it anymore. I had goals, really big ones, and the time I was spending in the classroom wouldn’t lead me to it.
I’ve dreamed of starting my own company since I was nine before I even really knew what a company did. I wanted to call it Lencorp (if it sounds similar to Lexcorp, that’s purely coincidental and not due to any DC character).
I could imagine how my life would turn out if I stayed in school for the 5 years that was required.
I’d be working at a job I hated, earning just a few hundred dollars per month and I’d always wonder what would have happened if I’d taken that leap of fate years ago.
Visualizing that grim life, I told my classmates that sat next to me that I was leaving. I’d spent 3 months in academic torture by then and I dropped out.
No money, no experience, I didn’t even have a computer. Nothing but the idea in my head and a dream stronger than common sense.
I left with a plan to make $7,000 in 5 months, a huge amount in Nigeria. It was a starting point, a figure that would force me to grow beyond who I currently was.
And it would also be my “You’re not going to end up cleaning dishes at a restaurant” safety net.
My friends laughed and when I told my parents I was going to leaving school they called everyone they could to talk some sense into me.
But my mind was made up.
5 months after leaving school I had made *Drum Roll*
$94
There are no hidden zero’s there. You can trust me.
I checked. Repeatedly.
Most of that money came from:
· Freelance writing I did for a Nigerian client on his website.
· A book on amazon that sold exactly 5 copies.
· An Upwork gig.
To say it was devastating might be an understatement, but it had dawned on me how ignorant I was. How much there was to learn and do if I wanted to do something that mattered.
It was down for a while (okay more than a while). I visualized the future and it was bad, no worse — it was “washing dishes at a restaurant bad.”
But I couldn’t stop after that first bout of failure, I had gotten hooked on personal development and business books after I left school. I would read 4 books a week, including audiobooks and not combining blog posts. My own little business degree.
It’s funny that I immediately started to read and learn more when I dropped out than when I was in school.
In school, I was happy with okay grades. But the real world, which had no graded class assignments and no teachers to motivate or correct you.
I learned that mediocrity would leave you starving in business. Its a competition with players far more established doing what it takes to succeed.
So I stopped playing video games, watching tv (Silicon Valley and GOT had to stay though), left a lot of friends and social media.
I worked harder, got through my depression, rebuilt my thought processes, Jon Morrow’s Ultimate success library was a great help and I’ll advise anyone to read as many of those books as you can.
I started a new business with lessons I’d learned after leaving school and I was prepared to do whatever it took. One time drunk on determination I walked for over 3 miles, gathering leads from posters and billboards to see if anyone wanted a website.
My bank balanced changed. It was now about.
$75
Still no hidden zeros people.
If you were thinking, “here comes the big break”, that hasn’t happened yet.
Remember that I’m still typing this in a small café (a friend gave me a sweater, I was cold after all).
So why am I writing this again? It’s a bit anti-climatic isn’t it?
Its not a success story that makes you want to run out of college to be Mark Zuckerberg or Bill Gates (he was in Nigeria today).
I know most of you don’t know where Nigeria is and probably don’t care. I’m not asking you to.
Instead, I’m writing this for every medium reader young or old that has taken the risk of chasing their dreams and failed.
Its for those thinking about starting a business with zero skills, but don’t know what it will require of them.
Its for those thinking it’ll be a cakewalk or just a bit hard to chase your dreams and succeed.
I’ve learned a lot but, I’m only 1% there.
I’m not a great writer, but I wrote this. Even though I’d rather not publish it. It’s something that needs to be written.
I read books on writing, took an online course and once wrote 2,000 words a day till the phone I typed on got lost. 24,000 words of a rough draft gone in a taxi.
My first full length written work, a 45,000 word draft of a book I spent 2 years working on got one negative reply from an agent and no reply from the other 10, was written on an android word editor, so no bigs.
I’m already used to big bets not paying off. It won’t stop me from trying again.
No one cares about your excuses.
I’m not an expert at “business”, but I’ve started a lot of web-based businesses, I’ve failed and I’ve learned a lot.
And I still say I’m only 1% there.
I currently have less than $20, because all the money I can spend, is spent on the business, internet data fees, hosting, and domain fees.
I haven’t spent a dime on anything else since I left school over a year ago. I’ve sacrificed a lot. Yet it doesn’t matter, no one cares.
Sometimes I talk to a couple of my former classmates and old friends, but they can’t understand me.
They’re are okay with the way their lives are and don’t need change as much as I do. Conversations with them last only a few hours, spread through a month.
I made new friends.
Online I joined Facebook groups for writers and young entrepreneurs. On WhatsApp, I’m on a group where I met people like me, young guys working towards grand goals.
They’re both self-taught software developers and dropouts, of course.
Onigbinde Ayomide Snr and Seun LanLege it was awesome meeting you both.
I even met a man that’s the closest thing I have to mentor. Also a dropout and he’s not washing dishes.
Why does a percentage of dropouts reach success?
I think it’s because those that left with a powerful reason, are willing to work and die for their goals. There’s no other option.
My closest friend Marvin Kome also has grand goals, self-taught and also not in a university, apparently creating WordPress themes and being proficient with python and react at 16 doesn’t give you any extra points in universities.
Recently I read a post by Jeff Goins on medium , and the entire post was focused on just one sentence.
Stop saying it’s hard.
Writing? Making things? Doing work that matters? No. That’s not hard. The path has been laid before you. The manuals have been written, the precedents set. The formulas are already there for you.
The path has been laid down for you, you just have to follow it.
Overcoming your fear and persisting is all you have to do.
I didn’t write this to discourage people from dropping out school and I’m not encouraging it either.
The thing is, most people can’t’ handle it.
I’m not joking when I say this past year has been the hardest of my life.
It’s not for everyone.
It begs the questions.
Knowing everything I do now, would I still drop out? Or would I stick to school? Pull my head down, accept my situation and start a business years later, with a degree to fall back on?
Given the chance, I would drop out again. No second thoughts.
I’ve felt the pain, I’ve seen the hopelessness and despair it brought.
But going back to that same day, in that huge lecture hall, surrounded by many of my peers content with their lives.
I would still leave.
I have goals that are worth everything to me. I would leave to chase something I really wanted, something I was willing to give everything I had for.
And what is that?
Money? Freedom? Fame?
How about I just want to experience life. Travel the world, check some things off my wish list, provide for my loved ones, and live a life I would never regret in the end.
Tim Ferriss once described happiness as excitement. I can’t help but agree.
I don’t want pity and I don’t want to complain. It gets you nowhere.
I didn’t want to write this, it has nothing to do with B2B Freelance writing and let’s face it, a bit embarrassing.
I wrote this because I haven’t read anything about being a struggling entrepreneur written by struggling entrepreneurs.
Or I might be delusional from malaria.
They’re both possible reasons.
All I’ve read from entrepreneurs are post success stories with some flashbacks. They just make it seem so easy.
You have a great idea, create a cool logo (I spent weeks sketching mine), a domain name, and then you commit yourself for a few months and…
BANG
You’re a millionaire or a billionaire, but you can’t still be broke.
Well I am.
I’m working to change that every day of my life.
If you’re struggling too. If you’ve ever thought that maybe you should just have normal goals and be like everyone else.
If you’ve been through depression. If you’ve cried yourself to sleep.
If everyone around you thinks you’re a failure or crazy or a crazy failure.
You’re not alone. You still have to do your work.
They don’t need to believe in you.
Their belief is not a prerequisite for your success.
My best quote from Ego is the Enemy by Ryan holiday is
Do your work
Just excellent.
You can’t let being broke, lack of experience, or even your loved ones stop you. You have to fight for what you want. There’s really no other choice.
Jeff Goins says it well again.
But the truth is that success in any field is more about commitment to a process than it is about finding one magic trick that will make it all come together.
I agree.
Mastery is a long process, it’s thousands of hours of training and sacrifice, and the ultimate commitment to becoming great, and never stopping until you are.
I’m a writer, a digital marketer, and an entrepreneur trying to get his freelance b2b business off the ground.
I want to be excited and happy when I wake up in the morning. I want to visit every continent on earth. I want to be able to buy the things I want. I want to provide for the people that matter to me and help those I can.
I want to do something that matters.
I can’t live with anything less.
What goals are you willing to die for?
Is what you’re doing going to get you there?
Why would you do anything you’re not willing to give 100% of yourself for?
P.S
It’s now 7:29 pm here and I’m going home.
It took me 7+ hours to write this medium post. Damn.
I’m fine, I’m not shaking anymore. Just got a slight headache.
As I said before:
This too shall pass.
There’s work to do tomorrow.
